Provision

 

 

I have a Provider.  I need not worry, I need not stress.  I can let go of any old habit that spurs me to act on my own behalf to fight or fend for myself.  Don’t get me wrong now, this story is not to be mistaken for a tale of passively letting life walk all over me.  This maybe a story about the benefits of faith muscles being strengthened and or affirmation that my heavenly Papa believes in me and knows my heart, or just simply draws attention to Himself.  I was fired from a job this week, the first time ever in my life to experience being let go from a job.  I have a have a long history of working hard.  So much so that at a young age workaholism, has been one of my experiences.  If you are familiar with workaholism, then you know that sometimes ones identity can get wrapped up in work.  I am so glad this was not in play for me this week and that season had already passed of learning to distinguish myself, who I am in Christ, was separate from what I do for work, that my work did not determine my worth as a human being.  Without this lesson, I would have been in a tougher position this week.

 I had been anticipating the position coming to an end for some time.  I had been sticking up for myself, and not being affirmed nor protected, but remaining true to my beliefs, I continued on, and had recently stuck up for a client.  Just a few weeks ago, I also hesitantly conveyed my suspicions of dangerous behavior by a colleague, with a higher, I will call it, status, then I.  I was not really surprised this week when I was informed I would be out of a job.  I had already made arrangements for a temporary position to meet some financial goals.  I was cool, calm and collective, stated my case, shook some hands and packed my stuff up and walked out the door.  The dilemma was that I had just purchased a new car the previous Sunday in order to work for the temporary positon that I had mentioned.  I went straight back to the car dealer.  I walked in, showed them my paper work, and in a letdown of tears expressed that I had just lost my job, and there was no way I would be able to afford the new car.  The car salesman and the supervisor were compassionate, took a look at my paper work and ushered me into the back office.  They notified me that I would get my car back without any difficulty, but not only that, another manager appeared and said that “it gets better” and continues on to tell me that they replaced my radiator with a new one, fixed my window, changed my oil and detailed the car, as tears continue to flood down the well-worn path on my face them man said to me, “ I don’t even know how you got it here” referring to my old car with a dying radiator.  I just kept saying thank you as a cried all the way back to my newly repaired car, that I could now use for work.  As I left the car lot, I continued to affirm my trust in my Lord.  I pull up to my next destination that I go to every week to volunteer with kids and relax by doing art, I check my voice mail and there was a lady in the message saying she had looked over my resume’ that someone sent her and wanted to know if I was interested in a job position.  I called the woman back right away and noted it was perfect timing and right on par with my line of work.  She asked me what would work for my schedule to come in for an interview.  My schedule?  I said, "What would work for you?" (Wait stop.  Didn’t I just loose a job an hour and a half ago?) We scheduled the interview 48 hours later and I was offered the positon right on the spot!  What a delivery!  His timing is more than I can understand.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. He goes before me, He makes a way.

The greatest part of this miracle is that there is no bitterness in my heart.  For an innate grudge holder since early, early child hood, this my friends is nothing short of a miracle.  I ask Him to come into my heart and make a home, creating it clean, renewing my spirit.  It is not that I did not have tears of sorrow, because it was a loss, but only for a night.  Joy certainly came in the morning.  I ask Him, again and again, to continue to grow me up in Him.  My God delivers, His promises are true.  Great is His faithfulness.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  No one could ever convince me otherwise, my life story is too full of His work in me, I just can’t forget it, He provides!  I will keep abiding in Him no matter what.

 Lover of Souls from Feburary of 2014

I want to tell you about a man, a lover of mine, although this is not a new relationship, it is a relationship worth sharing about. He’s a simple man, the blue collar kind by trade. But there is just something special about him. Not only did he fix things with his hands, that you can touch and make use of, but he fixes also matters of the heart, soul and mind and strength. His name is Jesus, the lover of my soul. He wanted me to tell you about Him today family near and far.  Some of you know it has been another rough season for me the past couple of years, but I believe that a new season is finally breaking through. Here is a poem that I wrote this week and I would like to share it with you.

To the Hills my love, look I’ll take you, to dine with me for all eternity. No more pain and sorrow dwell in your heart from me. I am creating you anew to walk upon the mountain tops divine, your broken heart is healing love, from all who put you aside. I am the lover of your soul, the one you have longed for all your life, I will teach, protect and guide you, no more angst, no more strife. Your trying days are over now, a new season it will be. Follow in the path of love for all humanity to see.
Great grief and tribulation were a part of your plan, in order that you may comfort all who come into your hands. I have trusted you with this task of mine, one brave heart will see it through, I will Shepard you for always, amongst the stars and the sky so blue.
I will lead your home someday, where you will truly rest, where you have stored your treasures up and truly have passed the test. Take my rod and staff not into your heart, for it is meant to mend. Teaching you through relationships with others that ours is the one that never ends.

The Author Of All Is Chasing Me

Chasing the Trendy Writer?  Or is the Author of all chasing me?

 

                My earliest memory was one of feeling loved.  I was running around our yellow ranch house in the swamps on the far out skirts of Chi ca go.  I ran as fast as my toddler legs could wobble.  I was being chased, perused by someone who was going to get me, what pure joy!  Giggling and moving, belonging, having a relationship with someone who cared for me.  How do you express this happiness under the age of three? Moving and giggling I suppose.  It was so wonderful to remember this feeling.  My heavenly Pappa has been perusing me ever since with the same intensity, heavy to win my favor.  Ready to pick me up and make me laugh again.  What an awesome wonder, intent on winning my heart like a passionate lover.  I love you Jesus, the lover of my very soul. 

                Have you ever had a carrot dangled in front of your face in order for you to move towards something?  My carrot came in the form of writer during time of great sorrow in my life.  My heart was grieving in the mist of divorce when I saw him.  I told a friend shortly before that if a man was for me he would have to walk down from heaven, maybe a stage was the closest real life thing, then again, maybe not.  I had recently been in the wedding party and did not present myself as a single when I was still married so I put my ring back on and left it there for a few weeks.  We made unmistakable eye contact, a connection.  He may have seen my ring, I hesitated to reveal my hand but did so because it was the right thing to do and just let the situation go.  My hormones were raging, with in that year before my husband and I were trying for kids and I thought motherhood was just around the corner, but the marriage, despite all prayers and efforts ended, beyond my control.  Sometime later I heard of this writer from the stage making his way back through town, so to speak, and inquired of his work.  I felt lead to make my may to where he was and give him my phone number, out of character for me, because even though in my youth I tried to be a modern woman, but couldn’t get far past the influence of my parents who were a few generations prior to my own, born in the depression, old fashion at heart.  I took a chance regardless, life altering heart break makes you bolder, you realize that time is so much shorter than when it was at an earlier age.  I sought the council of friends old and young on the matter, every older women strong in their faith, told me to go for it! 

A few different times I made my presence known to him, and I thought there again was a connection from afar, movement from the stage in my direction, Shakespearian like poetry “no one else would compare”, out right eye contact and talk of how Jesus loves us like a husband loves a wife “marry me”.  I thought there may have been a connection, possibly by the ocean.  But he never approached, maybe my fear played a role here but he never called he never came close.  Heart break can make you bold but vulnerable as well.  I don’t know why this pursuit didn’t work out, for my heart wept with sorrow. Too many times so many years now of unrequited love, but this time the sorrow was so healing, so much deeper than any other time in my life.  This adventure came just at the right time. Divorce is utter hell on one’s heart and shot at love may have been just the right carrot, to get me dreaming, moving and giggling again.

I was left with a deeper knowledge that God is the chaser of me, relentlessly in pursuit, the finest gentleman caller a girl could ever know.  What a Champ, my Sovereign, my Help mate, My Husband, My Lord, The best friend who never leaves, who never forsakes.  God loves my through my fallible ways and I am not an only child to Him, He loves others the same.  I pray that he take more room in my heart so that my love more and more resembles His.

An Unsuspected People

My Sweet Tullys

 

 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

What a relief

What a relief when medicine prescribed alleviates the symptoms of the illness and sometimes the illness itself.  For example, an upper respiratory infection may need penicillin, a broken ankle might need a cast, a cold nursed.  A disillusioned soul might need shelter and spiritual doula to assist in birthing deeper matters of the heart and a family for belonging. I came to Nashville, to my Father's ancestral lands, far South away from my home, following the promptings of God.  Divorce was behind me and a history of tragedy, brokenness, remorse, and emptiness in my womb, I stepped out in faith to help further His kingdom here on earth. Trusting His guidance in my life, knowing Him as the Healer of my past, & leaning on His sovereignty for my future.

Along this path, which has been bitter sweet, I came upon an unsuspecting people, I will call them, stealing this description from a friend amongst them, my Tullys, the hands and feet of Him who sent me.  They embraced me immediately and sent me to school on Sunday, who does that?  They invited me into their homes, to dwell with their families.  They did not gaze upon me with suspicion as I conversed with their husbands, but if they did, they took relational steps towards inclusion, clarifying my intentions, allotting time to observe that I was trustworthy.  They did not hesitate to befriend me on social media. They comforted me with food & hugs.  They treated me like family, one of their own. They gave me space to speak what was on my mind and heart.  I shared with them my darkest night..., my deepest shame..., they did not turn away. They attempted to teach me "Oh my word" instead.  They have trusted me with their little ones, they’ve befriended me with all their ages.  I am blessed to call them my friends.  They shelter me as He strengthens my frame, for the future He has planted in my heart, as He draws it forth.  I am grateful to them for just being with me in the most pressing season of my life thus far, life’s labor pains shooting, as these friends stay present, assisting in the birth of a new future my Lord is giving me.

With confidence I sense He's calling me towards home, even if no one else understands His ways in my life.  My sweet Tullys have allowed me the grace to seek my Heavenly Father’s will, to hear it clearly & to go forth.  May the Lord Jesus smile upon them, may they hear His love songs to them, May His grace and peace be upon them.  This is my hope and prayer for my dear friends and anyone who needs to be loved so thoroughly, so inclusively, just how families were designed to be.